I will probably date myself if I say that Alice Miller’s book “The Drama of the Gifted Child,” was one of the first books that led me to a lifelong fascination with psychotherapy. Originally published in German in 1979, Miller’s book explored what is happening to children who are brought up by narcissistic parents. The child might grow up to become highly successful in environments that value meeting other people’s needs, such as leadership in politics, business, or the arts, but this success comes at a cost: the child has developed a ‘false self’ to meet others needs at the expense of their ‘true self’.

Picture a child who, from an early age, learns to be hyper-aware of their parent’s needs. This child becomes an expert at reading the room, anticipating mood shifts, and providing emotional support – essentially becoming their parent’s parent. To the outside world, this child appears remarkably mature and bright for their age. What the outside world fails to notice is that this is a survival strategy of someone whose childhood was taken away from them.

As this child grows up, the skills honed in childhood often become the foundation of their adult identity and professional life. Their ability to anticipate and influence others’ emotions can lead to impressive careers in fields like media, theatre, politics, or even psychotherapy.

But there’s a hidden cost to this emotional attunement that Miller brings to light: the development of a “false self.” This is the part of the person that’s developed in order to meet others’ needs, often at the expense of their own emotional well-being.

Meanwhile, the “true self” – the authentic core of the person’s identity – gets pushed aside. By focusing so intently on others’ emotional needs (and becoming very good at it), these individuals often neglect their own, leading to a deep-seated feeling of emptiness or neglect that can manifest as depression in adulthood.

It’s a paradox: the very skills that make these individuals successful and admired can also be the source of their deepest feelings of sadness and shame. They are masters at navigating others’ emotional landscapes while feeling lost and abandoned in their own.

The journey towards healing, Miller suggests, involves recognizing this dynamic and starting to uncover and nurture the true self. It’s about learning to turn that finely-tuned emotional awareness inward and giving oneself the attention and care that was so freely given to others.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have you ever struggled with overwhelming feelings of guilt? There may be more to this emotion than meets the eye.

Sometimes, guilt is actually a manifestation of repressed anger – anger that we couldn’t afford to express, especially in our formative years.

Think back to your childhood. If you experienced mistreatment or abuse from a primary caregiver, your natural response may have been to feel angry at that person. But as a child, you were utterly dependent on that caregiver for your survival and wellbeing. Expressing that anger directly was simply not an option.

So instead, the anger got pushed down, shoved aside. But it didn’t disappear. Instead, it got redirected inwards. Rather than thinking “you hurt me,” the child learns to think “it’s my fault, I deserve this.”

The caregiver’s status as good and benevolent is protected, and the child can restore a sense of safety. But the cost is significant – the child also learns to habitually turn their anger inwards, and guilt becomes the default emotional response.

This dynamic can become deeply ingrained, carried forward into adulthood. The guilt persists, but its origins in repressed childhood anger often remain unexamined.

Becoming aware of this pattern is the first step. With self-compassion and the help of a therapist, the suppressed anger can be gradually brought to the surface and released. This allows the guilt to dissipate, replaced by a truer, more empowered sense of self.

If you struggle with guilt, know that there may be more to the story. Exploring the roots of this emotion could be a profoundly healing journey.