From Survival to Self-Discovery: Navigating the Aftermath of Narcissistic Parenting

I will probably date myself if I say that Alice Miller’s book “The Drama of the Gifted Child,” was one of the first books that led me to a lifelong fascination with psychotherapy. Originally published in German in 1979, Miller’s book explored what is happening to children who are brought up by narcissistic parents. The child might grow up to become highly successful in environments that value meeting other people’s needs, such as leadership in politics, business, or the arts, but this success comes at a cost: the child has developed a ‘false self’ to meet others needs at the expense of their ‘true self’.

Picture a child who, from an early age, learns to be hyper-aware of their parent’s needs. This child becomes an expert at reading the room, anticipating mood shifts, and providing emotional support – essentially becoming their parent’s parent. To the outside world, this child appears remarkably mature and bright for their age. What the outside world fails to notice is that this is a survival strategy of someone whose childhood was taken away from them.

As this child grows up, the skills honed in childhood often become the foundation of their adult identity and professional life. Their ability to anticipate and influence others’ emotions can lead to impressive careers in fields like media, theatre, politics, or even psychotherapy.

But there’s a hidden cost to this emotional attunement that Miller brings to light: the development of a “false self.” This is the part of the person that’s developed in order to meet others’ needs, often at the expense of their own emotional well-being.

Meanwhile, the “true self” – the authentic core of the person’s identity – gets pushed aside. By focusing so intently on others’ emotional needs (and becoming very good at it), these individuals often neglect their own, leading to a deep-seated feeling of emptiness or neglect that can manifest as depression in adulthood.

It’s a paradox: the very skills that make these individuals successful and admired can also be the source of their deepest feelings of sadness and shame. They are masters at navigating others’ emotional landscapes while feeling lost and abandoned in their own.

The journey towards healing, Miller suggests, involves recognizing this dynamic and starting to uncover and nurture the true self. It’s about learning to turn that finely-tuned emotional awareness inward and giving oneself the attention and care that was so freely given to others.

The image is of a paperback book cover. The inscription reads: Alice Miller The Drama of Being a Child.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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